The Crappy House-guest: A True Story

At a family get together – not that long ago my husband had the pleasure of being introduced to some estranged extended family on my side. One of which, within moments of meeting, was fishing for an invitation to spend the night at our place about a week later on their way home. We were both hesitant. I – the relative – had not seen them in 2 or 3 years and we had never been close. (So you have a better understanding the estrangement we’ve been together for 4 year and the husband hasn’t met them until now.) I was thinking about all the terribly awkward things that could happen and then I decided that I would put my big girl pants on and invite them to stay with us. What is the worst thing that could happen? And they are family, right?

Well my friends, allow me to tell you what did happen. For the security of those involved, we shall call them Relative 1 (R1) and Relative 2 (R2). Upon arrival we get them settled into the guest room and sit in the living room to finish watching the good old hockey game and the following unfolds:

R1: Sorry, I’m so stinky.

Husband: What?

R1: Yea, I had diarrhea this morning and, you know – that makes your clothes stinky.

Well I don’t know about you but when I get diarrhea my clothes do not stink. The only way they would, is if you got poop on them. I do honestly feel bad for him, especially since what happened that night.

At about 3 AM I woke up to crazy noise in the bathroom. Confused, I drifted back to sleep and woke later to a smell I hope came from the dog and not from that bathroom. In the morning I was asked if he had woken me up in the night with his coughing – I politely said “no.” But I am telling you – I did not wake up to coughing!

Again in the morning he told the husband about his diarrhea. This time confessing that he didn’t pack enough clothes and that they were all ‘stinky.’ I was eaves dropping and praying he wasn’t going to ask to borrow a pair of the husband’s underwear.

That day I collected all the towels from the bathroom to wash and, lid up there was a large poop streak on the toilet seat. That is correct, not in the toilet. ON the toilet seat, where you sit to pee. Well folks, I must say that I have officially cleaned every surface that could possibly have been sat on, and I have cleaned everything that was certainly sat on twice. Judge away, I had to be sure that I got all of the “stink” out of the house.

Have you ever had a crappy house-guest?

– Joy


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